Charles Apple

This morning, on my way to work, I blew a tire. Right rear. There was a huge rupture in the side. I have no idea what caused it.

And those were new tires, too. Had them put on this summer.

All this happened on Mount Pleasant Road in Chesapeake, near Fentress airfield, where the Navy pilots practice their touch-and-go landings.

It’s also not far from where a tree fell on Sharon nearly three years ago. But that’s another story.

AAA came to tow me to a service center, where I had them put a new tire onto my bright cherry-red PT Cruiser. Sharon hauled herself out of bed to take me to work in her van.

It was a real mess on a day in which I didn’t have time for extra messes.

So tonight, Sharon picked me up at the Pilot and took me to the AAA service center, where we retrieved my car. We joked about who was going to follow who. Should I follow Sharon, in case a tree falls on her? Or should she follow me, in case I have another blowout?

She followed me. So naturally, I hit a deer.

It was a little fawn. It came out of nowhere. Seriously, I didn’t see her walk across the road or jump into my path or anything. Instantly, she was there and I was there and I smacked into her. She jumped just as I hit her, so she was pinned to the front of my PT Cruiser for just a moment and then she flipped over the top of the car and to the left.

Sharon saw me slam on brakes and wondered what the hell I was doing. And then she saw the deer bounce across the road and come to rest in someone’s front yard.

This happened on North Landing Road in Virginia Beach — which is the same road on which I had my blowout this morning. The road changes names at the old turntable drawbridge across the Albemarle & Chesapeake Canal — the Intracoastal Waterway — which is the line between Chesapeake and Virginia Beach. The spot where I hit the deer is maybe two miles from where I blew my tire.

Instantly, steam was everywhere. I realized I had lost my radiator. Also, I discovered I could barely steer my car. Meaning I had lost my power steering. God only knows what else is broken under the hood. I’m dreading finding out.

I pulled over and Sharon pulled up behind me to protect me from the idiots speeding past us. The man who owns the house nearby came out to suggest I use his driveway. I managed to tuck in the Cruiser, but just barely. My poor car was dying fast.

Sharon pulled up behind me, set her emergency blinkers and called the insurance folks. State Farm suggested we call the police. D’oh! Good idea. Meanwhile, I called AAA for the second time today — this time for a tow to my Chrysler dealer.

My Cruiser still has its lights on. Sharon’s van
is behind, pointing from left to right. Her right-
side door is open; you can see the seats and
headrests of the front two seats. Just to the
upper right of those headrests is a pale
orange dot. That’s Sharon’s head; she’s
leaning against the van.
—

It took the Virginia Beach police officer forever to get there. First, the guy had to graduate the academy, we guessed. The officer appeared to be about 16 years old.

He took a look at the front of my car, laughed that it would easily be more than $1,000 in damage and cheerfully filled out a report for us.

As he took notes, Sharon, the tow truck driver and I eavesdropped on the cop’s walkie-talkie. Apparently, Fridays are very interesting nights here in Virginia Beach. Let’s just say I heard a lot of things I never read about in our metro section. As each call came in, I could feel my property values sinking lower and lower.

Back to my PT Cruiser, though: My grille is busted, my hood is crumpled and there are deer guts and blood all over the front of the car. There is fur embedded in the grille.

I guess I’ll finally have to wash it.

Like I said, I lost the radiator and the steering. We’ll find out tomorrow what else is broken, I guess. The guy who lived there said I was lucky the airbags didn’t go off.

At one point, I walked back the 100 yards or so to find out what happened to the deer. There wasn’t much left of her. It looked like a small pile of meat with four hooves poking out and part of a head lying on top.

Take that, Bambi. And your momma, too.

Finally, officer Doogie Howser finished writing his report and cleared the AAA tow guy to load up my car. He blocked traffic while the tow truck driver hauled my car onto the back of his truck.

My stricken PT Cruiser is pulled onto the bed
of a large tow truck. The bright lights on the
right are the headlights of cars waiting while
we had the road blocked.
—
While the tow truck driver secured my car, the cop completely shut down North Landing Road. Traffic backed up quickly.

Once they were done, the driver helped the cop direct traffic to unclog the area. At one point, though, one old man was too busy checking out the damage to my car and he nearly ran over the tow truck driver. Literally bumped him. That could have turned out really nasty.

Both he and the cop laughed it off, though. They acted as if they knew what they were doing. Just in case, though, Sharon and I got the hell out of there before an F-18 crashed on us or something.

I mean, the way my luck is going lately…

—

EDIT

We drove by the dealership Saturday to check out the damage in broad daylight.

It didn’t look so bad at first…

In fact, it looked as if I could just hop in and drive it away.

Upon closer inspection, though, you could tell something is amiss. For starters, the hood is bent and not fully latched.

It took some effort to pry open the hood. The engine itself looked OK, but…

…the radiator and everything attached to it is wrecked and will have to be replaced.

Luckily it rained Friday night, so most of the grisly stuff washed away. My Cruiser still clutched a few souvenirs, however.

The dealer won’t even look at it until Wednesday. I rented a Celica to get me by.

In the end, I’m left with one question: If I’m going to run over something, why couldn’t it have been Sharon’s dog?

—

EDIT

The repair estimate on New Year’s Eve: $4,329.17. That’s more than a quarter of the original sale price of the car!

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